 |
 |
|
|
|
|
By Stacie Maslyn
People are crying out to be heard. Although most people do not verbalize these feelings in a group, they want to be heard and known. If someone hears me, they will know me, and if they know me, they might like me. Then I will have a place to belong. Often in groups, we are busy out-talking each other, or thinking of what we are going to say next, rather than truly listening to what someone is sharing.
People usually do not feel heard or understood in groups, so a listening leader is an attractive leader. If you learn to truly listen to people, you’ll be so popular that the whole planet will want to talk to you!
How to Listen:
Be Quiet
The most simple and obvious way to be a listening leader is to be quiet. When we are leading a discussion, we may get nervous about a quiet pause, so we rush to fill up the awkwardness. Rather than letting people consider a question and delve inside themselves for the answer, we start talking and answer the question ourselves. Just be quiet after you ask a question. Silently count to twenty. Eventually someone in the group will start talking. The leader should talk less than the other group members.
Follow the Three R’s: Repeat – Rephrase -- Reflect
Someone in your group has just said, “I’m excited that my son Johnny got into preschool, but I’m nervous because he needs to be potty-trained before he can go.”
Repeat
The first step in listening is to simply repeat what the other person has said. This may feel strange, because you sound like a parrot, saying exactly what the other person said. However, the other person feels affirmed that you are listening to them, and they don’t even notice that you are repeating their words.
Rephrase
The next step of listening is to rephrase their words. This is similar to repeating, but using different words. “So you are having mixed feelings – both happy and concerned at the same time.” The speaker again feels affirmed and listened to, because you are focusing on their concerns.
Reflect
Then listen for the heart behind the words. This mom is worried about preschool and whether or not Johnny will meet the requirements and be successful there. After you have repeated and rephrased her words, you can reflect on the feelings behind her words and affirm her feelings and share her concerns.
|
|
|
|
|
- Don’t give advice. This person is not asking for advice on potty training; she wants a listening ear.
- Don’t judge or criticize. “Johnny is HOW old? And not potty-trained?!”
- Don’t switch to your own story. “When my Susie was three…..”
- Don’t ask distracting questions. “Which preschool is he going to?” This question is related to your own need to know, not the issue the other mom is focusing on. We may think questions show that we are listening, but sometimes questions distract from the real meaning, and just focus on what we want to get out of the conversation.
|
|
|
|
|
| Stacie and her family live in Mission Viejo, California. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
