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| Helping Kids Make and Keep Friends
by Dr. John Townsend
 My daughter came home from school last week and said she doesn’t have any friends and no one likes her. How can I help her make friends?
It breaks a parent’s heart to see his or her child struggle with the problem of friendlessness. Most of us can remember times in our own childhood when we felt lonely and unlikeable as well. And your child needs friends now and for the rest of her life, because as the Bible says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). But cheer up, here are some things you can do to help your kid make and keep good friends:
Find reality. Don’t go on a friend-developing mission until you know the real scoop. Sometimes kids may actually have friends but are comparing themselves to the most popular kid in the class. Their comparisons make them forget the friends they have, and they feel alone in contrast. So find reality from her. After being empathic and supportive, ask her questions such as, “Are you sure that no one at all likes you? I remember you had Kelli and Rachel over to the house? Or what about the friends you have on the soccer team? Or you talk about playing with girls at recess?” You may find she’s feeling that her present friends aren’t enough, and you can help her see that she doesn’t have to compare herself with Ms. Popular.
Get information from other sources. Talk to people who are around your daughter at school. Make an appointment with her teacher and ask if she notices any social problems because your daughter is reporting that no one likes her. A teacher is your best source of accurate information. Find out what actually happens at break and at recess.
Use the family setting as a research lab. If your daughter truly doesn’t have friends, observe how she interacts at home. Are there behaviors or attitudes you can see that might keep her from friendships? Here are a few examples: Talking about herself and not listening to others, bossiness, passivity and shyness, attention problems and hygiene issues. If you notice any of these problems, help her with them by teaching her what is appropriate.
Encourage her “loveableness.” Every kid needs to have her parents’ wind underneath her wings. Verbalize to her how easy she is to love and what you are drawn to in her character. For example you might say, “If I were in your class I would want to be your friend. You are so kind and fun to be with.” She needs your confidence in her in order to take risks.
Give her skills. Basic friendship skills are another key. Teach her how to take the first step and reach out. Little steps, such as walking up to kids at recess or lunch and asking them how they’re doing and what they’re up to go a long way. Also, learning how to interact and give and take in a conversation is a great skill. My book, Loving People, has skills you can use to help your daughter make Connections.
Provide a structure. Get her involved in extracurricular activities that put her with other kids in a structured way. Sports, music, art, church activities, reading groups and girl scouts are some great options. Then the natural process of friendship can happen while the kids are doing their required activities.
Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, leadership coach and author of many books, including Loving People, Raising Great Kids, Boundaries, Boundaries with Kids and Mom Factor. For a complete list of resources, visit cloudtownsend.com. |
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