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| Face-to-Face with a Bully
by Beth K. Vogt
 “Beth, I called to tell you about something that happened to Christa during recess.”
The principal’s next words shattered the just-forming thought that my daughter hurt herself during recess.
“Someone threatened Christa. I’ve spent the last hour trying to get the facts straight,” he said.
Someone threatened my kindergartner?
I fought for composure while the principal continued talking. When he told me another boy allegedly said he would “stab Christa in the heart with a butcher knife,” I started shaking — and no amount of repeating “stay calm, stay calm” helped.
After telling the principal I was coming to school, I called my husband. I told Rob what happened — and that the principal discovered the boy who heard a first-grader threaten to harm Christa later confessed he’d made everything up.
“I don’t care if the boy lied,” my husband said. “Christa was still traumatized because she thought the threats were real.”
I phoned my sister, Theresa, who taught kindergarten. “How do I handle this? I need to go to school and comfort Christa. I need to get the facts from the principle face-to-face. But I can’t stop crying.”
Theresa listened, reassured me — and then said, “Get a grip on your emotions. I know this is difficult. But the only way you are going to be able to discover what you need to know is by distancing yourself from the situation.”
Despite having three older children, this was the first time I’d come face-to-face with bullying as a mom. The harsh reality is, bullying is a more serious problem these days, what with children bringing guns and knives to school and hiding behind the anonymity of the Internet to verbally harass other children.
Here are some principles I learned from my experience:
- My daughter needs me to be her safe place — not a morass of emotions. When Christa saw me, she jumped into my arms, burying her face in my neck. “I was so scared, Mommy,” she whispered. “Me too,” I replied. However, I needed to help my daughter handle her fears, not expect her to handle mine.
- My opinion on how to make things right won’t always line up with other parents’ opinions. The bullying incident happened on Friday. I waited all weekend for an apology from the boy’s parents. Nothing — until Monday night. I’ve made a few “apology” phone calls as a mom. They are no fun at all. Just because I think something needs to happen within 24 hours doesn’t mean others feel the same way.
- I need to be angry without sinning (Ephesians 4:26). After Christa was threatened, I battled anger. Anger toward the boy who scared my daughter. Anger with his parents for implying it was somehow Christa’s fault. I wanted to stay angry. Christa forgave. Before she returned to school, we asked Christa if she was comfortable having the boy in her class. (My husband and I considered requesting he be moved to another classroom.) “He said he was sorry. I forgive him,” Christa said. “We’re friends.”
Christa experienced nightmares and anxiety after being bullied, but I believe her attitude of forgiveness helped her heal from the experience more quickly than she could have.
Beth K. Vogt is the author of "Baby Changes Everything: Embracing and Preparing for Motherhood after 35", and is the editor of "Connections" magazine. Contact her at beth@bethvogt.com or http://twitter.com/bethvogt.
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