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| Truth or Consequences: Repairing the damage to your core
by Beth K. Vogt
 I came to motherhood with a whole lot of want-to but minimal know-how. If I’d bothered to take a close look at my then 23-year-old mom-self — at my core — I would have realized certain facets were horribly damaged.
The fault didn’t lie in my age, but rather because my core was wounded.
Shelly Radic defines a mom’s core as her “unique, inner self, including [her] temperament, life experiences, emotions, passions, and potential.”
My inner self is marred because I am that “one out of every four girls” who was sexually abused by the time she was 18. I liken childhood sexual abuse to someone aiming a cannon at a butterfly’s wing — and then blasting a cannonball through the delicate fibers. The damage seems irreparable.
For years, I ignored my past. I didn’t understand how my life experiences, both good and bad, influenced me as my family expanded to include a son and two daughters. Within a few years, I emotionally skidded, crashed and burned. In Momology-speak, I was anything but resilient.
The truth didn’t appear in the form of a pleasant tête-à-tête with another mom. No, my toddler’s tear-filled eyes time and again reflected the harsh reality of my failure after I’d screamed harsh words at him.
Why would I act like this with my innocent 3-year-old son? I collapsed on the floor, cradling him in my arms, praying I wouldn’t erupt like a mommy-Mt. Vesuvius ever again. We both cried as I whispered, “Mommy is so sorry. Mommy is so sorry.”
I could no longer ignore the unresolved pain of my past — not when doing so caused me to hurt my children. My choices? Stay the way I was or seek help and change. My actions affected my children’s futures — and I didn’t want them to grow up with an angry mommy. I also didn’t want my unresolved pain to breed anger within my son and daughters.
Change has been a series of choices — some one-time and some which continue today, 24 years later.
My first step toward change? Honesty. I admitted, “I am an angry mommy.” I didn’t like the truth, but I would no longer deny it. I then confided in one close friend. Fran, a mom a few years farther down the mommy-road, listened to my confession. She didn’t judge me. Instead, she comforted me and promised to pray for me. Whenever the day overwhelmed me and anger threatened to bring me to my knees, I called Fran.
Next, I relied less on me and more on God. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t change myself — but God could. In the early years, there were many “It’s me again” prayers. I clung to the promise that God’s mercy is both new every morning — and all throughout a mom’s long day (Lamentations 3:22-23).
I also chose to face my past so I could alter my future. This choice continues to this day. Sexual abuse left other marks on me, including struggles with depression, a battered self-esteem and even the inability to forgive — both myself and others. At various times, when my emotional burdens seemed unbearable, I’ve sought help from counselors. Their wisdom and objective insights help me frame my past.
My children taught me more about forgiveness than anyone else. Even as toddlers, they offered me both love and forgiveness with an abandon that amazed me. Yes, my husband and I taught our son and daughters to say, “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me?” when they hurt someone. We taught them the right thing to do. But my children showed me how to live those words out time and time again. There is no expiration date on a child’s love. A miraculous blend of God’s grace-filled love and my family’s day-in-and-day-out expressions of love healed my heart — my core.
Fast-forward 24 years to today. I’m still a mom, because that’s a job with no retirement option. I know myself so much better now than when I began this mothering journey — not because I ignored the weaknesses in my core, but because I dared to face them.
Beth K. Vogt and her husband experienced a double-dose of parenthood — three children in their 20s and a surprise fourth in their 40s. The author of Baby Changes Everything: Embracing and Preparing for Motherhood after 35 (MOPShop.org). |
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