Desperate Housewives?
by Cindy Sigler Dagnan
 I stumbled upon it during a recent fit of channel surfing, brought on by the unexpected delight of actually having sole possession of the remote control. There she was, this so-called housewife -- slick lips pouty with invitation (I'm guessing for all the hunky plumbers headed her way), elegantly upswept hair, silky bathrobe and —this was the kicker — no kids in sight. That was also the tipoff: She's an imposter!
The producers of Desperate Housewives need to hire me to act as reality counsel for the producers. From the few minutes I saw, their idea of reality is, um, just a bit different than mine. In fact, the disparity made me laugh so hard I snorted my Diet Coke with lime up my nose. I put together this chart, should they want to attempt realism.
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Desperate Housewives Want |
Real Housewives Want |
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An egg white omelet, fresh fruit & dry toast for breakfast |
A Snickers and a Diet Coke. Doesn’t a positive and a negative cancel each other out?
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A live-in maid |
A monthly maid service discreet enough not to tell that they saw you throw everything in the dryer prior to their arrival so they wouldn't think your house was a wreck.
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A personal exercise instructor |
The ability to touch her toes without having a flabby tummy or post-nursing chest simultaneously touch her knees.
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Weekly manicures |
The hope that perhaps biting her nails while the residue of polish remover remains might also whiten her teeth.
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Monthly pedicures |
She'd be OK with those.
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Occasional bikini waxes |
No matter what they say about losing modesty after childbirth, she can't imagine paying a stranger to view her nether parts while invoking pain unless she was also paying them to extract an 8-pound child from her body. (Hey! There's an idea -- bikini waxes on the delivery table!)
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Wildly fashionable coiffures |
Mildly fashionable highlights to cover either a) the gray hair caused by reluctantly meeting middle age or b) the bald spots that result from pulling out hair after six consecutive snow days with multiple children under the age of 10.
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Trendy clothing |
Someone to help her locate the body she had that actually fit into trendy clothing; while they're at it, could somebody tell her who is running around with her neck?
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Plastic surgery |
A bra that lifts, separates and promises to permanently keep all pertinent chest parts pointing north.
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A shallow marriage or an "easy" divorce |
A 30th wedding anniversary with the guy she married. That wonderful man who is equally at home racing Hot Wheels with his son or having imaginary tea parties with his daughter. The man who can still make her heart race when his car pulls in the drive.
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Come to think of it, that’s quite a list. And there’s nothing desperate
about it.
Cindy Sigler Dagnan is the deliriously happy, chronically sleepy wife of one wonderful man and mother of four girls She’s the author of several books including, Hot Chocolate for Couples, (Harvest House). Visit her at cindydagnan.com. | 
