The Mommy Wars: I’m AWOL
by Tracey Solomon

OK. That’s it. I’m done. The war’s over, at least for me. I’m going AWOL from “The Mommy Wars.”

There may not be a military presence, but evidence of the war is everywhere. Go to Amazon.com and look up views on mothering or Google "Mommy Wars". From blogs to workplaces, the battle is blazing.

I actually left the battle awhile ago, but I want to tell the working and the single moms how sorry I am for being a participant. If you understand what one SAHM really thinks and feels, it could help end the war.

1. Sometimes I’m jealous of you. I know it’s stupid. Your life is no piece of cake. I sometimes wish I could go to work. (Leave it there and then, come home and be done working.) It’s not that simple. I’m sorry for minimizing the struggles you face, because I’m blinded by my own. I’m sorry for assuming mine are harder to deal with. They’re not. They’re just different.
2. Sometimes I’m afraid you’re better than me because I think you’re worth more. I’m still suffering with CAD – Culturally Affective Disorder. (I made that up, but I’ve met other women who suffer from it!) Our culture seems to value people by their paychecks. Since mine are nonexistent, I sometimes question my worth. At times I slip into junior-high mentality and try to bolster my value by devaluing others. I’m sorry for taking it out on you.
3. Sometimes  I think you look down on me because I stay home. Maybe you do. Or maybe I’m insecure. Sometimes, I’m afraid people think I stay home because I can’t do anything else. Feeling insecure makes me feel defensive and that I need to defend the rightness of my choice to stay home. In order for me to be right, you have to be wrong. I’m sorry. I know that’s not true.
4. Sometimes I think you’re selfish. The truth is: I am. Part of my decision to stay home has been because I couldn’t let someone else love my kids or experience their lives with them. But there’s another part of me that says: “Get a job! Escape, before these kids turn your brain to mush!” Maybe I’ve been assuming that’s your motive, because it could be mine. There are a lot of reasons why I stay home and an equal number for you to work. It’s not my job to judge or assume your motives. I have a hard enough time sorting through my own.
5. Finally, to the single moms – I’m sorry for being jealous of your freedom. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to argue with someone else about how to parent the kids, or what to cook for dinner or what to do on the weekend. I know I should appreciate the perspective my husband offers, but I don’t always. While marriage and being a SAHM has its share of struggles, it’s also wonderful. I love being married and a SAHM. But I worry that if I talk about it, I may make you feel bad or jealous. If we’re going to be friends, we need to share our lives with each other. I hope you’ll help me learn how to share without feeling guilty or hurting you.

So, that’s it. I’m AWOL from the Mommy Wars. (Good thing, too – I look like a mess tent in camouflage.) I know I’ll mess up again. I’ll feel insecure and get defensive. And I may have a hard time remembering God can direct us differently in our mothering and that we can both be doing what’s right. It may be messy, but I think getting to know you is worth the risk. Being in the mommy trenches together is better than fighting each other, don’t you think? Besides, I have this feeling, that together, we could change the world!

Tracey Solomon lives in Canton, Michigan, with her husband, Kyle, and three sons: Mike (19), Matt (17) and Noah (7). She’s a “been there, done that, doing it again” kind of mom.