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No “Hey! Hey!!” in the Va-Jay-Jay?

by Tasha Levert, PhD

self

August 9, 2014

No “Hey! Hey!!” in the Va-Jay-Jay?


Is it difficult for you to reach orgasm through intercourse alone? If your answer is yes, then it’s not just you. According to most studies, 75% of women do not experience orgasm through vaginal intercourse. 

That’s right, only 25% of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse, and most of these women would agree that while vaginal orgasm is nice, clitoral orgasm rocks the house. 

Sadly, couples who strive to be part of the “25% Club” carry a lot of shame and frustration about their orgasmic woes, but, the reality is, not achieving orgasm during vaginal intercourse is normal for most women. 

So what's a girl to do if she wants out of that blasted 75%? Very little:

  • The amount of time spent making love does not matter.
  • The couple's sexual positioning does not matter.
  • The intensity of the thrusting certainly does not matter.
  • And for heaven's sake, penis size does NOT matter.                                           

The only thing that does matter is our physical design; and for many women, their biological makeup does not lend itself to a vaginal orgasm. 

Don't get me wrong, vaginal intercourse feels incredible! The feeling of emotional closeness, security, and fullness is overwhelmingly beautiful. But, when it comes to orgasm, the old in-and-out technique can be problematic. 

The reason? We don't have a lot of nerve endings “in there,” and the sensory nerve endings that the vagina does have are found only within the first two inches (which is why size doesn't matter). The clitoris, on the other hand, is orgasm central! During vaginal intercourse, the penis does not stimulate the clitoris enough to make orgasm possible for some women, making direct clitoral stimulation the way to go. 

Some of you may question the fairness of our physiological makeup. Girls, after enduring three vaginal births, I for one am very thankful that God spared me a few nerve endings “in there.” 

The clitoris was given to us solely for sexual pleasure. So, whether you've got some Hey! Hey!! in the Va-Jay-Jay or not, it is part of  the plan for sex to be fun, passionate, creative and spiritual. Sex is two souls touching. Avoid becoming so orgasm-focused in your love-making that you bypass intimacy. 

 For women who struggle a counselor can be very helpful. If this is you, be brave, and find a good therapist to help you discover God’s gift of sex. 

Enjoy your husband. Find your unique love-making rhythm as a couple. Discover what feels good to both of you. Celebrate God's blessing of oneness and pleasure. Can I get a “Hey! Hey!?!!”


 

Tasha Levert has a Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary. She is married to the hottest youth pastor on the planet, Tim Levert, and together they have three beautiful girls (14, 11, and 9) and a lazy miniature schnauzer. Tasha has a counseling practice in New Orleans, and one of her favorite topics for treatment is sexuality and women.


 

What other obstacles do you find in the bedroom? (We’ll try to address them on the blog in the coming months!)

Share your thoughts

Great article! Thanks for posting this! Sex is an important part of a marriage relationship and it should not happen in a vacuum separate from who we are as Christians. I'm glad that I can share a great sex life with my husband. Always working on maintenance to keep the fire going and keeping that area Christ-honoring.

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perfect!!

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Thank you Tasha Lavert Ph.D. for your very insightful article. I'd like to quote you in my next book for Harvest House Publishers: IF MY HUSBAND WOULD CHANGE I'D BE HAPPY-And Other Myths Wives Believe (To Release Spring 2015) Rhonda Stoppe NoRegretsWoman.com

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I'd be honored! Feel free to email me: tashalevert@gmail.com. I'd love to hear more about your project. Great title by the way. :)

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Hi Rhonda you can contact Tasha directly by following the link above. That is probably the best way to reach her. Thanks!

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I have to agree, I wish this was talked about more among Christian women! It's such a taboo to talk about among Christians but sadly I think many women feel shame or their not good enough when it comes to the bedroom! I think it's very healthy to talk about as long as it's talked about in a healthy manner! I also think many would have way more fulfilling marriages if we could talk more openly about our struggles/fear etc in that area! Thanks for sharing this!

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Thank you, Cindy. There is a lot of misplaced shame on this topic, and I agree that it is healthy and worthwhile to talk about within a community of women you trust and respect.

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Thanks for your comment Cindy! We will continue to discuss the topic of marriage and sex all month on the blog.

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This does not need to be in Mops ! I have talked with several other Mops leaders and they were totally shocked by this .

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Hi Judy, Thanks for taking the time to send your comment. We appreciate that you care enough about us to share your thoughts. We want to care for moms holistically, addressing every area that affects her life. We want to curate conversations that are that are honest, address real issues and focus on the mom... without shying away from topics that generally get less airplay. Every aspect of the mom is important to us. We're talking about marriage and sex on the blog all month, and we will be address the topic in many different facets. We hope you'll follow along, and be a voice in the discussion.

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Why ever not? Clearly if you're a MOPS mom, you've spent some intimate time in the bedroom. Where should it be talked about? In a 50 Shades forum? Where the message that sex is one of God's greatest gifts &, because of the intimacy involved, should be between a man & a woman within the relationship of marriage is going to be completely bypassed? This is a healthy conversation that women of faith ought to be able discuss w/one another.

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Thank you for the thumbs up, Christin. I love that we are able to be open and honest with each other as women and that sex - an important topic to every woman I know - is not a taboo topic.

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Christin, we do realize it's a little tricky to bring up this conversation because it is about a private matter. Our hope is that if we can start the conversations here, women can continue to find more places to talk about their needs in healthy, focused ways and improve their marriages.

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No what happens between you and your husband doesn't need to be discussed or talked about especially in degrading worldly terms. When I saw this come across my email the first thing I thought of was a trashy Cosmo article. Your sex life has nothing to do with Christ and shaping others to be more Christlike. MOPS is suppose to be centered towards Christ, but after reading this I can completely see that they are becoming more like the world instead of set apart from the world !!! Also in a www open blog post is not healthy nor reality, but very trashy, let's not sink to the lowest denominator to get people in.

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Hi Leeanna, I'd have to respectfully disagree with your comment that "your sex life has nothing to do with Christ". Jesus created sex in the context of marriage and He created it to be fun. Great married sex makes a strong marriage that glorifies God. When sex is not going well, it often makes a marriage struggle. As Christian women we should be able to share with each other and find ways to make our sex life and our marriage stronger so that we can glorify God!

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Hi Leeanna - thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I appreciate that you are willing to voice your concerns, even if you disagree with other voices. Moms in the MOPS community have concerns in the bedroom department just like most women in a committed relationship do. Sex and intimacy are important aspects of the overall health and well being of a marriage, and worth talking about. This forum is a place where women are free to comment, but certainly welcome to refrain from commenting and take in the perspective of a blog post or the associated comments without becoming personally involved. My hope is that this type of frank discussion is beneficial in some way for any women who drops by the blog.

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Leeanna, we hear what you're saying - things in the bedroom are very intimate and private. It's that intimacy and private-ness that make them such important pieces of our lives. We want to create a place where conversations about important topics can be started, and hopefully women who need to hear these things can feel encouraged to get help to improve her marriage. Thanks for taking the time to share with us. We'll be talking about marriage and sex all month on the blog, and we hope you'll stick around to be a part of the conversation.

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Christ created sex! Id say he has a lot to do with it. And good sex makes for better marriages. Better christian marriages make for stronger Christian communities. So yeah, very appropriate topic among Christian women! And just ask God for better sex with hubby, I dare you ;)

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I'll take that dare, Maggie!

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Maggie, I appreciate your candor. :) We want to help moms improve their mothering by addressing all the pressing needs in her life. We know that better marriages will help moms mother better, so we're willing to put ourselves out there a little bit for the sake of the cause. We'll be talking about marriage and sex all month on the blog, and hope you stick around for the conversation. :)

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So glad that MOPS is addressing this topic especially in this "50 Shades" era where it's implied women can climax at the touch of a button (no pun intended). One thing that was not mentioned was the need for some moms to be surgically repaired or toned by going to physical therapy after having children. Some moms know that pushing babies out can create a jumbled-up disaster down there that often times won't repair itself without surgical help. There's no shame in getting that help especially if it improves your life physically (exercise), emotionally (esteem), and sexually (pleasure). I know too many moms who don't enjoy sex after childbirth because their lady parts were too mangled in the process. I hope this encourages a few more moms to inquire with their doctors about their options. :)

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Thank you for the comment! Yes, this is a great point!

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I am confused about what the author says here, because as a woman who can experience orgasm during vaginal sex, it is ALL about the position! She writes "The couple's sexual positioning does not matter." NOT my experience at all. If I am on top my body puts pressure on my clitoris during sex resulting in an orgasm. She also writes "The amount of time spent making love does not matter." That is totally contrary to my experience as well since the longer I am warmed up and more aroused I am, which only comes from time, the more likely I am to orgasm during vaginal sex. Finally she writes, "And for heaven's sake, penis size does NOT matter." Maybe I am the only woman on the planet, but when my husband is fully erect it is much harder for me to achieve orgasm during sex, but once he has ejaculated and his penis is not as large, that is when it can happen for me. Am I totally alone?

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Hey Wendy - first off kudos to you that you have done the intellectual processing necessary to know how your body works in terms of the sexual experiences you share with your husband. It can be intimidating to examine your relations that closely, and things are so much better when you can do that. I reread the article, and I think the author is referring to women who do struggle to achieve orgasm through intercourse alone when she says, "position does not matter, size does not matter, etc." I agree with what you are saying - for the 25% of women who are able to orgasm that way, there are adjustments you can make to make that happen. You are most definitely not alone.

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Thanks Liz! Excuse my candor, I know it is an uncomfortable topic for so many moms. I speak to my MOPS group annually about this important subject, but we recognize that some will choose not to come in February when we focus on sex. However, historically this is our best attended MOPS meeting of the year outside our end-of-year party! ;-)

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As someone who IS comfortable getting real about this issue, please keep commenting! Your candor may very well give someone else courage to speak up.

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Wendy, thank you for your comment! We know that there are many other issues and are hoping to address many of them this month on the blog.

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Great! I look forward to reading them all and incorporating into our discussion at MOPS this year.

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I'm with u, all of that does matter. Esp size. In my opinion my husband is too big, therefore, is hard for me to really enjoy it. Sometimes it's an issue & other times not so much. So we really don't have sex very much. Is there any advice that anyone can give me to be able to have a sex life again.

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Miranda, thanks so much for your brave post! I am confident you are not alone, and so many of us have post-partum pain "down there" that can be quite the buzzkill. I personally had to search out 3 different doctors before I found help I needed! I have heard great things about physical therapy and for me it was necessary to use a prescription to adjust my vaginal chemistry while I was breastfeeding. Don't give up, you and your husband won't be content until you get these issues taken care of! There is help for your specific area, I promise.

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Miranda, you are not alone with these issues! We are hoping to address many different issue about sex and marriage on the blog this month. I have found that just making one on one time with my hubby an absolute priority always helps our sex life. It's hard, but we have made time together a non-negotiable. Thank you for joining the conversation!

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I think a lot of it for women is mental. So if you go into it thinking "he's too big, this is going to be uncomfortable" then it probably will be. I'm not saying your wrong about him being large, but since our bodies are built to push human beings through them, I think you can probably handle it if you can get in the right mindset. Talk to him about what arouses you. Also, position will probably help. I know my husband feels larger to me when I'm on top than when he's on top. You may be the opposite and, of course, there are any number of different positions you can try. If you have kids I know it's hard to find the time to play around sexually, but if you can maybe you could take a weekend away, or even just a night, and do something romantic. Rent a hotel room, take a bath together (or a shower if that's more your thing). Cool down the tension on it and make it about intimacy. And then experiment to see what works to make you climax.

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I love what you said, Bonnie! I 100% agree with your comment "I think a lot of it for women is mental". Negative thoughts or emotions totally change things and kill the mood.

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Bonnie, thank you for joining the conversation!

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My husband and I are in a new season in our sex life and it's not always easy but we have found that good honest open communication really helps. When one of us tries to "take one for the team"and not mention what is bothering us, our sex life can go downhill quickly. Recent health struggles have made it more of a challenge to find times to be intimate but each time we make the effort, we say "we should do this more often".

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I agree, honest communication can be very helpful! Thank you for your comment!

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I think another obstacle is trying to recover from marital trials such as infidelity just as mentioned in the mops article: behind closed doors. This and all the self esteem issues we as women face can hinder an orgasm. At least in my case, I find it hard to climax because of issues occurring in my marriage and not feeling worthy or even attractive at times.

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Yes, it's always hard when there are other issues that need to be resolved. Sometimes a counselor can be helpful. Sticking together and having open communication is also helpful.

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I agree. I have a lot of struggles related to sex stemming from my husband's addiction. I was very touched by this article, but sex is hard if not impossible for me. It's difficult enough to just have sex, much less achieve orgasm.

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Angela, I have friends who have struggled with the same issues. Many of them have been able to heal by seeing a counselor. I'm glad some of our resources have been helpful!

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I think a lot of it has to do with our state of mind. If my mind wanders to something I feel insecure about like weight, or if I feel guilt that Its taking me too long to "get there," or even a worry I have about the kids etc. that can cause frustration, or even sadness for both of us. It takes a good deal of focus not to let my mind default to that.

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I agree, sometimes I find it's hard to stay focused on the "task at hand". I try to focus on a particular feature of my husbands that I find attractive and that helps me stay focused. Thanks for the comment!

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Why is sex something we women shy away from talking about? When I was newly married at Bible college, the rest of the newly married girls and I talked about sex all the time. Laughing, giving advice, sharing disappointments. It was very encouraging. Now that I've been married for 7 years, I find that it is a topic that rarely comes up, even though I know a lot of women are not satisfied in that area of their marriage. I love talking about sex, giving sex advice, and helping women to open up about their struggles. I think this is healthy. Why do you think we avoid this topic in our friendships?

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I think women are hesitant to be that vulnerable, and also the longer we are married, the more some of us just settle for whatever is going on in the bedroom - even if it isn't satisfactory. Which is a bummer, because I believe we can have sex lives that become more, not less fulfilling the longer we are married.

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I think it's important to find a trusted group of friends who can talk about sex together in a safe environment! It's always nice to hear that I'm not alone with a particular issue.

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Sadly finding time when one or the other of us is not tired or in a hurry to get up to get to a meeting etc... Life needs to slow down. We need to slow down!

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Amen, friend! Sometimes when I have time for bedroom antics I'd rather just sleep a little longer (my man is a morning person in that department) or if it's nighttime, I find myself wanting to catch up on my reading more than making whoopie. It's selfish - but sometimes sex gets in the way of rare ME TIME. And there is always something else I could/should be doing. Like laundry, dishes, answering work email... We just made a big move across several states so we could slow down, and I'm hoping we'll have more time, energy and mojo once we get settled.

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Ladies - I would encourage you both to make the time, because it can and will be worth it! It can be wearing at times because of buys schedules, chasing children all day, laundry that's always there...we all know the drill. If you MAKE yourself take the time, over time it can be completely worth it. It's like a habit have to set; give it a month and really make the effort to pursue your husband. It is a beautiful thing for the longevity of marriage. As I'm learning, life just doesn't slow down. :)

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Thanks for joining the conversation, Hope. We appreciate you.

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