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6 Things to Never Say to Your Spouse

by Linda Vujnov

self

August 26, 2014

6 Things Never to Say to Your Spouse

1. You look good. 

Instead: 

Not all men can look as polished as Bradley Cooper. However, when I am specific and say things like, “I love when you wear your dark jeans and the red plaid shirt,” they feel more assured of themselves. Wives can also boost their husband’s self-esteem when saying, “I love your hair short. It makes you look sexy.”

2. You’re a great dad. 

Instead: 

I get repeated results when attaching examples to compliments. “Carson loved when you read to him” or “The girls cannot wait for you to pick them up from school.” When I encourage with specifics, the action is often repeated.

3. Do I look okay? 

Instead:

If I cannot decide on which shoe I like best with an outfit I will ask, “Which shoe looks better?” I will also ask, “Do you like my hair back in a ponytail or down?” Don’t assume when they give you their answer the other choice was horrible! Next week they may love the ponytail.

4. I’m so proud of you. 

Instead:

Attaching a feeling to an encouragement gratifies husbands. “When you start dinner for me it makes me feel less stressed” and “I appreciate your working so hard. It makes me feel secure” are great examples.

5. Not tonight.

Instead:

If I always waited until I was in the mood before I did anything - nothing would be accomplished. I like to give rain checks instead of leaving my husband feeling rejected. “I would love to meet you at 9:00, tomorrow night, in our bedroom.” Send them an appointment to their online calendar or text a sexy message.

6. You never _________. 

Instead:

I find when I ask for help with chores or for a date night instead of expecting him to take action automatically, he is usually willing. On the other hand, telling him he always leaves the milk out or that we never spend time together puts him in defense mode.

Hand specifics out liberally, give choices, schedule sex and never stop loving your spouse or working on your marriage. Happy couple alert!


 

Linda Vujnov is married with 4 children, a girl, 20, and three boys, 17, 12 and 10. She is a writer, speaker, avid jogger and Christ follower.


 



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Would you add anything to this list?

Share your thoughts

These are great thoughts!

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I find that even when I'm not in the mood for him, I go ahead and agree anyways because I'm always so tire that I'm usually never in the mood and it always ends well.

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My husband asks that I don't continue talking on the phone right as he gets home (i.e. end the call when I know he's coming in). It makes him feel ignored.

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Yea- this one is a great idea.

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That pretty well sums it up!

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as soon as he walks in the door, don't dump on him about the stresses of your day...ask how his was.

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I try to keep this is mind also.

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Smile when he gets home and truly want to hear about his day.

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I agree with Holly, don't criticize help. If my hubby or anyone else helps me with something I don't redo it.

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Why am i always the one who..... Instead i try to remind myself that the things i get tired of doing around the house is part of the teamwork, and it frees him up to spend more time with me and the kids when he does get home :)

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Touch him whenever your near him with hugs, rubs, etc. Men liked to be touched and kissed just as much as we do.

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I'd add not to criticize his help. He does it his way and his heart is to serve me by helping with things. When I tell him he could do it a better way or bring up that he didn't clean up after himself well enough, it makes him not want to help at all and instead just let me do it all my own way. We're still learning this lesson!

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I am really careful to not correct my husband when is dealing with the kids. He talks to them and deals with them differently than I do, but there is nothing wrong with that.

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Great point! It's easy to want to "help" but I need to realize that he has his own unique style- and it is okay.

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I would like to be more aware of my body language: eye rolling, arms crossed in front of my body, attack stance, the tone and volume of my voice. I want to step out of myself and see/hear myself as the other person sees me. Would I want to be talking to myself right now? Sometimes, maybe not...

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Yea- the tone and attitude are 1/2 the battle for sure.

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Me, too! I wonder if you made a conscious effort to stand still with no major facial or hand gestures if you could catch yourself WANTING to wave your arms or roll your eyes - then you could learn to better control the tendencies. But man - a good eyeroll really hits the spot, sometimes.

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Amen! ;-)

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Very good reminders!

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Love the idea of being specific in your compliments!

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Hi Lachelle - I see your comments on quite a few blog posts. You should upload a picture. :)

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Thank you very much !!! Sometimes I don't know how to express my thought and I do not expect what is in my mate's mind. These advices are great blessing !!! It is up to me to apply

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I agree, Andrianjaka. It helps to know many wives have the same challenges.

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courage !!!

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I think that sometimes *not* saying anything is good too - get close to him and give him a hug, or a playful pat...followed with a wink...and then explain with a text!

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YES!! Brilliant tip. Sometimes NOTHING is the very best thing to say. And I am going to be stealing your pat/wink/text idea. Genius.

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So true! I feel like I'm in the middle of learning all these steps right now. Thanks for the encouragement.

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Amy, I don't know how long you've been married, but what I will say is that 16 years in marriage is much more fulfilling and I feel much confident about my marriage than I did 6 months or even 6 years in.

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Wonderful tips! I've said a few on the not to do list. I will definitely remember these. Thanks!

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I usually only seek marriage advice when we are struggling - this is great "things are okay but these tips can make your marriage even BETTER" advice. Love that!

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These are great tips! Thanks!

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Thumbs up, indeed.

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We as women need to remember that our Husbands will give and show us love if we give and show them respect!

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It is a mutual respect thing, for sure.

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The key to all is specifics. "Thanks for taking out the trash" is better than "thanks for helping out around the house"

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Christie that tip is one of my faves. I actually started working my "specific thank you" magic on my hubby last night, and it felt good to see the effect of my specific gratitude on him.

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I've learned to control my sighs. I tend to sigh a lot and it has become the signal of "what did I do wrong now?" for him.

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I can just hear it in my head! I do the same thing sometimes, even though deep down I know it is just for dramatic affect. Once in awhile you just gotta let a sigh go... or risk letting your top BLOW. *yes I know that rhymes - sometimes I crack myself up!

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Great ideas. They can only be expounded on.

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Agreed.

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Great advice! My husband has many times been frustrated with how I've said something...I'm working on communicating more effectively!

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It's hard in the moment, but it sounds like the two of you are working on being more aware of your words. That's a great thing.

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#6... yup... "Never" and "always" are words we try not to use!

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It's so tempting to use those bad words sometimes, though...

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My husband saying and you never makes me cringe. I'm learning to ignore him until he calms down because once he gets in the funk he's on auto pilot.

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Ah yes - the Husband Autopilot Funk. I am all too familiar! My husband saves up this reaction and only pulls it out once in awhile on "special occasions," but boy does it drive me batty!

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I agree with 6. Hubby is always willing to do what I ask, I just have to remember to do that instead of trying to do it all and getting overwhelmed.

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Sometimes it's easier in the moment to just "do it myself," but I am always happier in the long run when my hubby contributes as well.

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I don't have anything to add, but I do love #5, and the idea of sending a text or setting up a calendar reminder for your honey for when your "hot date" will take place.

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This probably does under "I'm so proud of you". When I get too frustrated by what isn't getting done, I thank my husband for what did get done. Thank you for taking care of gathering and setting out the trash tonight. When I thank him, I remind myself how much he does contribute instead of griping about what he doesn't do. That's more productive for both of us.

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Great suggestion, Karen. And when I take a moment to tell my husband, "thank you," I generally feel good, too.

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