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5 Ways to Fall Back In Love with Your Husband

by Emily T. Wierenga

self

August 25, 2014

5 Ways to Fall Back in Love with Your Husband

I was sitting in a hotel room on a king-sized bed at a conference.

I was sitting there alone, not minding being alone, wishing I missed him.

Wishing I missed the man I’d been married to for eleven years and forgetting what the touch of his hand felt like. His calloused, farm-boy hand, the one that found me across the duvet those three years I relapsed into anorexia and sleeping pills, the one which fed me ice chips as I birthed two miracle boys, the one which always gave me the first strawberry of the season from our garden.

And I crawled onto the king-sized mattress then, stretched out across the miles of bed and cried.

I was scared.

I was scared of forgetting how to be in love with my husband.

Every marriage—no matter how strong—finds itself here, at some point: at a crossroads. It’s there, at the crossroads, we have a choice. If we stay on the same path, we’ll end up not recognizing one another in 10 years and arguing over who gets custody. It is a pivotal moment, this crossroads: of deciding—do I still believe in love, and if so, am I willing to allow it to transform this relationship into something they make movies about?

In other words, do I believe love is the most powerful force in the world? Can it overcome any obstacle—including indifference?

I believe it can. In fact, I know it can, but it means making choices. It means reaching the crossroads and choosing the narrow path, the one leading to a marriage so real and intimate it will make our kids want to get married.

Here’s how we did it.

1. I apologized.

I went home and grabbed my husband’s hand and felt the roughness of his palm and said, “I’m sorry for not letting you in.” I was vulnerable, and in turn, he became vulnerable too. Our feet began to turn towards the road less marked.

2. I chose my husband over work.

I set aside evenings to spend with him. We put technology away, and played Ping-Pong in the garage. He began to make me belly-laugh again.

3. I stopped comparing my husband to other men.

Comparison will eat up contentment. It will rob you of joy. Our disappointments are only as great as our expectations. As bad as it sounds, lower your expectations of your husband and accept him as HIM.

 4. I began to believe that my husband loved me.

He tells me all the time, but at some point, I stopped hearing him. He loves me. For better or worse, till death do us part. He loves me.

5. I prioritized my husband over the kids.

Somewhere along the way, my priorities had shifted, and my children had somehow become more important than my marriage. But it’s my marriage that will be here long after the kids go. So I began to focus on loving my husband first and my kids, second, because I knew in the long run that would bless my children the most.

Falling back in love with our spouse is not impossible, friends. It just means making some selfless choices. It means turning from the well-worn path and daring to go on an adventure together, one stumbling step at a time.

And in the end? You’ll find yourself back in his arms, laughing so hard it makes the whole world sing.


 





Emily T. Wierenga is an award-winning journalist, blogger, commissioned artist and columnist, as well as the author of five books including the memoir Atlas Girl: Finding Home in the Last Place I Thought to Look (Baker Books). She lives in Alberta, Canada with her husband and two sons. For more info, please visit emilywierenga.com. Find her on Twitter or Facebook.







 

Bridgewater is committed to feeding and nurturing children in developing countries. Through a partnership with Rice Bowls, Bridgewater donates a portion of each jar candle sale to different orphanages internationally. Every candle purchased feeds a child for a day. Bloom bursts with top notes of sparkling greens and citrus budding into floral beds of magnolia, peony and jasmine. A rich foundation of mahogany, white musk and amber seals the fragrance in deeply rooted fashion. This Bloom package include a tall jar candle, candle tin, slim sachet, and an auto vent clip. 


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What is one step you want to take to fall back in love with your husband?

Related topics: wife, spouse, marriage, fear, husband

Share your thoughts

Put down the technology. Definitely easier said than done! Especially when technology is your way "out" of the mundane.

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I love all these things you wrote!! alot of more people need to know about this. I have been so lucky..but sometimes you know, you forget and just take for granted. I like this one you posted the most..this fits me to a tee: I began to believe that my husband loved me.

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My husband is one who doesn't like to talk much, either. I've found that by following some of the steps above we come closer on the same page. I also like the idea below about driving...we just came home from a 10 hour drive to vacation where he talked more than he has in months. I also need to give him space when he asks. His job involves constant phone calls and people talking to him. He gets home and wants some quiet.

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What if it is your husband that is prioritizing kids over you? What if he doesn't want to make time for the marriage? I hate how these articles always pin the blame on the wife.

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Now that the kids are a bit older (we had 4 in 5 years), making date nights a priority again. I miss those!

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What happens when you want to set aside time to talk, and he doesn't want to talk? Ever. What happens when you want to talk about dreams and goals and desires and where you're headed as a family... and all he wants to do is sit on his laptop? What happens when the two-way street feels more like a one-person tennis game? How do you fall back in love with someone who puts no effort into the relationship? It seems impossible.

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I have been in that position, Elizabeth. It's tough to feel like you are talking to and sitting next to a wall. And it's hard to be vulnerable and put yourself out there when you don't get much of a response - or any. I specifically asked my husband to "set aside 15 minutes each day to talk" a couple of years ago, and he refused to do it. Try getting a sitter and taking a country drive with your husband. Bring along a favorite CD or turn on the radio for a little distraction and let him get behind the wheel. Then just drive - aimlessly - for an hour or two. When I feel like I can't get on the same page with my husband, we can almost always work it out over a drive. I'm so sorry you are struggling - it's hard to know what to do when he won't get in the game with you. It might also help to find a mentor you trust who's been married longer than you have. She could offer valuable perspective. Hang in there!

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Another thing to try? Write him a letter about how you are feeling, and ask him to give you a written response the same week. Sometimes dudes can't get into a deep face to face conversation the way we women can.

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I want to put away the electronics and talk. Just talk. Play board games. Just be next to him.

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Proximity is key - I agree, Demarae.

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I need to remember that he works full-time and even though I want a break after being home all day with 3 kids, that he needs a break too. We need to find a balance of time together, time with the kids, and time for ourselves.

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I try to remember the same thing. I work from home full time and orchestrate the kids, do the laundry and dishes and make dinner, and sometimes I really want to attack him with thoughts on my day and tales of our kids when he walks in the door at 6pm because I need adult company, but he has been working hard, too. In a different way, but still - he needs a bit of a mental break before I rain down on him with everything I can think of the moment he walks in the door.

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Definitely putting him before the kids and my personal time.

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I agree, Miranda. But I'll also bet you don't get a lot of personal time, and it's okay to prioritize that, too. :)

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I want to turn off electronics and share evenings with my husband. Thanks for sharing this!

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It definitely helps you be more *with* your husband when you're not both on a separate computer doing Pinterest or Facebook... On the other hand, I'll admit that some days just sitting on the couch each on our own device feels like the best togetherness we can hope for. :)

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So inspiring and encouraging!

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And missed the prompt... lol... continue to set healthy boundaries in other relationships so that he knows I'm his and effectively communicate so I can know he's mine :)

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Strong boundaries outside of marriage - great tip, Leanna.

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Turn off the TV and talk.

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Good thinking, Naomi.

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Prioritize my Hubby...I know at times he feels that our children or even MOPS comes first. I need to make sure I am setting aside time for just the two of us.

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It's tough with small children to find meaningful one on one time with our husbands. My thought is start small by planning a purposeful hour each week that you can be together without distractions. My other thought? I am confident you are doing the very best you can, and it is not easy to fit it all into a 24 hour day.

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I forget how much I like my husband, since it feels like we never see each other. By the end of a long weekend I remember what it was like to spend all our time together again. I wish there were more days like that.

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Brandi, you hit the nail on the head. I feel the same way - my husband and I are often two ships passing in the night these days, and when we do get a chance to reconnect, I remember how much I enjoy his company.

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Be more intentional with dates each week (even monthly would be good for us). With 4 growing kiddos we tend to forget the importance of these.

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Amy, finding time for date night is tough. We have two kids, and with twice as many I can imagine it's a challenge. Keep fighting the good fight!

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My husband set aside time for each other every day no matter what. If we are home together we cuddle on the couch and talk after the kids are asleep... But even if we are away from each other we make sure that talking to each other is a priority!

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Communication is key, Rebekah. I think I'll plan some couch cuddle time tonight!

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Believe the best of him...don't assume the worst. Give him the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping on the assumption that something he is doing is to be spiteful or hurtful. Love him for HIM!

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All good suggestions, Kelly.

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All great reminders! We do media fasts as a whole family to reconnect.

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This is a great idea, Amber. Do you have a certain day of the week or certain period of time that you engage in a media fast?

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By taking a step back from 'life' and dream together about plans, future stuff. I need to also make it a priority to book a sitter one a month and date again. We let life get in the way and become strangers passing in the night. Thanks for this article, it's a spark we all need to make it better.

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Denise, I'm right there with you. And 3x a year is NOT enough of a dating life!!

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I'm going to try the Brave Kissing challenge. I think that'll be a change for us, that I hope can help us both!

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Love this idea, Leah!

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We are in this season...Everything comes before us. Jobs, Kids...everything. I get selfish as well as feel neglected. I can only imagine how he feels. I know my faith is strong and all I can do is pray for his. In this place we are in, I feel that sharing my feelings will only cause bigger, unwanted argument, so I pray, some weeks more than others. God has plan for us and I trust in him, he is the only one who can truly heal me, him, us...

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I've been there, Bethany. When I felt really disconnected from my husband in that crazy season of really little kids (mine are 4 and 5 now), taking a drive and talking while we drove helped. Being behind the wheel is a good distraction for my hubby and still helps him open up in conversation more than just sitting on the couch together. And I promise you: This Too Shall Pass.

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I believe he loves me when he says it - after 9 children he must. <3

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With 9 children you must have a whole lotta love in your house, Melissa!

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Putting him first in my life & loving him for he is, not who I think he should be.

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Jessica - that is a powerful thing for every wife to remember: Love him for who he is, not who you think he should be. This is worthy or remembering.

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We just had a baby and are pouring so much into him that we've been forgetting about us- my goal is to start making us a priority again!

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Ashlee, you are not alone. I think nearly every new mom feels immersed in baby world when a newborn arrives. Hang in there - and the fact that you are thinking about prioritizing your marriage in the midst of new motherhood is a positive thing.

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Putting him about our child.

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That's a tough thing to do, Randi, but the strongest marriages I've witnessed do just that.

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Make the time to talk - about everything. Learn about his job, his silly interests, his coworkers, etc.

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This is great advice, Heidi. When my hubby gets home from work I always have 58 "super important" things to talk about - I need to zip it and give him a chance to share about his day.

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I want to put my husband first by giving him my attention. I also want to get back to dating him and plan to get creative with our dates.

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Renae - I am in the same place. We have pretty much done dinner and a movie (or sometimes just dinner) for ages, and only get out 3-4 times a year since our kids were born. If I planned a special date doing something different, I think it would blow his mind!

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Yes same here! I'm hoping to have a MOPS meeting on how to reconnect with your spouse. I have a friend who used to do a blind folded date and I want to have a collection of ideas like this for everyone to expirement with this year! Hoping to be successful in at least one date night a month, if budget allows for babysitter ;)

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A date every month - you go girl! I love the idea of having a collective of date night ideas. If you do that, please share them! You can email your list to Stories@MOPS.org and we can share them with everybody!!

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My husband and I got married at 19 and then had 3 kids. They are all under the age of 5 now. We have been through so much kn our relationship. More than some longtime married couples. We are both only 25. About a year or so agk I completely fell out of love with him. But even in that time when the feeling was completely gone I still chose to show love I'm little things I did everyday. But overtime our relationship got worse and I decide to leave him. Well got intervined my plan and put some financial issues in our path so I could not financially leave, we had kids to take care of and that was the most Important thing. So I chose to continue to show love even though I didn't feel it. Finally my husband and I came much closer as he broke down amd told me what an amazing woman I am and how sorry he has been for hurting me. God brought some people into our lives to show us what a good marriage looked like and how to love eachother. By: Felice

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Felice, it takes courage to tell your story - especially when it isn't all sunshine and buttercups. I think MANY, if not MOST married people fall in and out of love with each other over the course of a marriage. It's a beautiful thing that you chose love and persevered in your relationship.

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Thank you for sharing your story.

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My husband and I both wish I enjoyed big kisses like I used to. So I'm challenging myself to kiss him everyday - more than just a peck. It's only been a few days so far, and I know my husband feels closer to me already. I didn't realize just how important that was to him. But by kissing him more and more passionately, I think I'll feel closer and more "in love" with him, too!

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Sounds like a love language thing, Melissa. Very pereceptive of you to realize how much this means to your hubby.

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btw - your rafflecopter widget does not seem to be working for me today

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Thanks for letting us know! I think we have it fixed now! Sorry about that!

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Prioritize date nights

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Amen, sister!

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